i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
