Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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