you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
