I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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