if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
