If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
