Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
