i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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