All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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