OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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