I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
