never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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