Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
