i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
