we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just high enough for therapy.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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