She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
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We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
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i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?