I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
