FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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