well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need moral support for this bender
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
