your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
