Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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