If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
