My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
