he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Actions speak louder than pants.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
