she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
