mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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