Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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