im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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