Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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