Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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