I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
