I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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