you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
