and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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