My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
