We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
