She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
