I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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