I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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