so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
