I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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