the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
