Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
