i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dignity is for republicans.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
