White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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