We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
