I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
