Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
