my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
