I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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