This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Buhtt sex?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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