Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
