I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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