My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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