I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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