I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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