High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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