Tell her she can't have a vagina
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
